Jokes about Metrology are scarce, so I decided to collect them. If you know or invent any, please send it to me.
Some poetry, funny history lessons and more is located at Agilent Technologies Metrology forum. Almost the same set of texts can be found on few other websites.
During time, I see most jokes concerns USA and their inability to switch to metric system. Sorry, USA. These jokes are mostly in separate page.
A man visits an oracle. He enters the tent, sits at the chair, and asks
old gypsy woman about the time of his death. The woman looks into the crystal
ball, and after few minutes of tense magic atmosphere she says:
"You will die in 23
years ... and the uncertainty is 5 years."
The man is puzzled and just
stares with raised eyebrows. So the woman continues:
"Oh, I forgot
every time. The level of confidence is 95.45 %, of
course."
The subtitle in English: Do you know, Mr. barman, the meter of beers is still deposited in BUREAU INTERNATIONAL DES POIDS ET MESURES IN Sévres near Paris?.
The subtitle in English: To the BIPM donated by Czech people.. The face is of Czech politician. Kokot is Czech term of abuse (in this sense it means imbecile).
1012 microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
52 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
3-1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
Do you know, what is the etalon (Еталон)? Yes, it is standard in Czech language (and some other Slavic languages). Also, it is the minibus A079 of producer BAZ (Tata). So, if you ask for an bus standard (etalon), here it is (click on the image for larger version):
To describe what my job is to common person is hard. Mostly when I say metrologist, I am asked about weather forecast. However, to be metrologist at meteorology institute is much more puzzling!
The international standard of the Metre of beers is placed before the pub in Dobříč village near Prague. One metre of beers is defined as such a number of half liter glasses of beers, which placed in the row are one metre long. Any length deficit can be filled in by small glass of spirit. Usually it is 11 or 10 of half liter glasses of beers. See the report of the installation. See also the article in the czech wikipedia.
Today, conventional Josephson constant and conventional von Klitzing constant
(KJ-90, RK-90) are fixed. They
have got fixed number of digits, and their values are
exactly equal to:
KJ-90=483 597.9 x 109 Hz V-1
RK-90=25 812.807 Ω
However, in the case of
redefinition of SI, values of Planck's constant h and charge of electron
e will be fixed. You can express
Josephson and von Klitzing constants as:
J=2e/h
K=h/e2
Therefore with fixed e and h constants, K and
J could be expressed with as many digits, as you
like, and all of these digits will be meaningful! E.g.:
KJ=4.8359658681026130158797233952001642001430714481909... x 1014Hz V-1
RK=25812.98168142762768702549980273195633231220734657508139... Ω
The total reason why USA should finally change to SI system:
Honor – To keep their word – the USA signed the Treaty of the Meter on 20 May 1875.
Over 130 years have passed since the U.S.A. agreed with 16 other nations to adopt the metric system of System International (SI) Units using the kilogram, degree C (derived from degree K) and meter.
France honored their commitment to the Convention of the Metre truly. French government graciously offered a whole building as the site of the BIPM! Look at this generous gift:
And so every participating nation contributed to restoration of the building near Paris. Smart move, France.
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says:
"I'd like five pounds of potatoes please."
The greengrocer says:
"We only sell kilos."
So the man says:
"Alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos."
What is the distance of 5 yards?
Click the image for high-quality vector version. This joke is play of words in czech language. Jarda is given name common in czech republic, and the pronunciation is similar to length unit yard. Sentence "vzdálenost 5 yardů" means "distance of 5 yards". Similar joke in english could be this one:
One that needs to be told in person because it's part visual:
Why do females make poor calibrators?
Because all of their lives they have had men telling them
this is 30 centimeters.
(While holding thumb and index
finger cca 10 centimeters apart.)
A group of managers were asked to measure the height of a flagpole. They fetched a ladder and tape measure and headed to the flagpole to perform their task. They weren't having much luck because they kept dropping the tape measure and falling off the ladder.
Observing what they were attempting to do, a metrologist approached them and offered to help. He pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it down flat, measured it from one end to the other, gave the measurements to one of the managers and walked away.
After the metrologist had gone, one of the managers turned to the others and said, "Well, isn't that just like a metrologist? We're looking for the height of the flagpole and he tells us the length."
Why The International prototype of the kilogram losses mass? Maybe there is a thief in BIPM!
What does a physicist do when he get a truck to study?
Experimental physicist tries to pull every lever, turn every wheel and press every button just to know what happens.
Theoretical physicist starts by reading manual found in one of cases.
Metrologist will look for a standard truck and tries to do comparison.
(Click the image for high resolution version.)
(Click the image for vector version.)
Na nose kunda. No translation. Either you understand it or you should learn czech language.
Unit of magic? Thaum. Unit of fame? Warhol. 1 kiloWarhol is about ten days of fame. An others - take a look at wikipedia page with list of humorous units of measurement.
Typical metrological seal application: Even in Las Vegas, people prefer not to leave volumetric gasoline measurements to chance.
Typical uncertainty distribution is normal. However, others exits:
It seems there are very small road tunnels in Greece. It is probably the only state in the world having prohibitory traffic signs with specifications of maximum allowed width or height in micrometers!
And a real picture of the "Aithra" tunnel entrance in Kakia Skala, Greece:
(Click the image for high resolution version.)
Click for czech version.
Диалог на экзамене. Преподаватель:
- Что такое лошадиная сила?
- Это сила, какую развивает лошадь ростом в один метр и
весом в один килограмм.
- Да где же вы такую лошадь видели!?
- А ее так просто не увидишь. Она хранится в Париже, в
Палате мер и весов.
And for those not fluent in Russian:
At a Uni exam (these were mostly oral in the old Soviet Union)
Professor: "What is a horse power?"
Student: "This is power produced by a horse that is 1 m
tall and weighs 1 kg."
"Where on Earth have you seen such a horse?"
"It is not that easy to see. It is kept in Paris, at the
International Bureau of Weights and Measures."
(Click the image for original resolution.)
In a fact this is not a joke, but a sad reality:
"The mythical Zanzibar unit is illustrated by a story which Cohen et al (1957) attribute to Harrison of MIT (see figure [below]). Apparently there was a retired sea captain who lived on a remote part of the island of Zanzibar and, as captains are wont to do, he had introduced a ceremonial raising and lowering of the flag each day, and also fired a cannon at noon. A visiting friend enquired how the captain knew the exact time, to which he replied that he reset his chronometer according to the time displayed by the clocks in the window of the jeweller in the local town. After he had left the captain, the friend was in the town and thought that he would pursue the matter further and enquired how the jeweller 'set his clocks. `Oh, that is simple' he replied, 'there is a retired sea captain on the other side of the island who always fires a cannon at noon and I use it to set my clocks.' "
(Click the image for high resolution version.)
Fairly accurate comparison of temperature scales from the
survival point of view:
(Click the image for high-quality vector version.)
In a fact this is not a joke, but very accurate everyday
experience of a metrologist.
Martin Rowe wrote a song The Measurement Blues.
Here you can read something about it.
I got the blues, I got the measurement blues.
I got the blues, I got the measurement blues.
I got the measurement blues,
My test results are all wrong.
I spent all morning looking for my scope,
My DMM too, and that's no joke.
Now I'm ready to measure voltage and time.
I hooked up my probes that’s when my DUT died.
I got a new device, went to connect my wires
Only to find that I had lost my pliers.
I found them now, I'm ready to go.
I was ready to go, but my scope was too slow.
I went to the boss, said "I need a new scope."
But all he said was "There's no hope.
There's no money, nothing I can do.
There's no money for equipment, you’ll just have to make do."
I found another scope, had to beg, borrow steal.
I connected my wires and got a measurement real.
I was reelin', reelin' in the data.
I was reelin in the data, so I went out for a bite.
During my test, Windows had crashed.
My data was lost and I knew that I'd get bashed.
I got the blues, I got the measurement blues.
I got the measurement blues, just for going out to lunch.
I restarted Windows and measured again.
My data looked so good I had a celebration.
That's when I learned my gear needed calibration;
My uncertainty was high and my data was no good.
I got the blues, I got the measurement blues.
I got the blues, I got the measurement blues.
I got the measurement blues,
My test results are all wrong.
Red button:
A nice game: search databases for a bad stock photos of your
job. #BadStockPhotosOfMyJob - Twitter Search
So I tried and have found:
In primary metrology, the 5 milion dollar silicon sphere is
measured always by using a 50 dollar micrometer.
One guacamole is equal to 6.02214076×1023 guacas. It is Avocado's number.
Spring translates to czech as "jaro". Jaroměřice is a name of
Czech village, can be literally translated as "measuring
spring". Guess, what every resident of Jaroměřice does in
spring?
Czech version is also possible: 2 molární roztok.
Many newspapers are famous for their attempt to relate some
measurand to a something more common or stunning. These
absurd conversions are even easier with
web Václaváky
.
Václaváky
can convert many strange units into other even
stranger units. Did you want to know, how many
tractors for young farmers fit into 1 km
? 278.55!
Or how many
Škoda Fabia cars weight the same as Blue whale
? 92.17!
Or what is the relation
between
surface of toilet paper roll paper and surface of Wembley stadium
?
Unfortunately the web is only in Czech.
At first I thought this should go into SI-bestiary section. But
instructions to use imperial measurements in year 2019
cannot be taken seriously, so it is here. The fun is
Rees-Mogg was born
the same year the
Metrication Board was established
(1969).
During COVID-19 pandemic situation, one was supposed to keep safe distance from others, so called social distancing. As a help to measure proper distance several highly scientific methods have been developed.
Text: Keep safe distance more than half of a horse.
Journalists will measure in anything but standard units. The issue is, I know how much is 1 meter or 10 meters, but I have no idea how long is typical US school bus or what is length/height/width of a typical giraffe.
Please imagine a dolphin laying on a football field?
Aaron Reich from The Jerusalem Post
is a specialist on comparing size of
asteroids and other cosmic phenomena to
animals, food or other human phenomena.
Uncomplete list of his news articles:
Soccer field-sized asteroid to pass Earth Thursday - NASA
Elephant-sized asteroid to skim past Earth in close flyby - NASA
Comet the size of Jerusalem's Old City flying by Earth - and you can watch
2 asteroids the size of 22 penguins to pass Earth this weekend - NASA
2 asteroids the size of 100 pugs to pass Earth Tuesday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 100 Oscar awards to pass very close to Earth - NASA
Asteroid half the size of fighter jet may nearly hit Earth Friday - NASA
Huge asteroid the size of 16 humpback whales to pass Earth Friday - NASA
Asteroid twice the size of Super Bowl trophy impacts near France - NASA
Corgi-sized meteor as heavy as 4 baby elephants hit Texas - NASA
Asteroid the size of 14 flamingos to skim past Earth Wednesday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 145 horses to pass Earth on Purim - NASA
Asteroid the size of 112 camels to pass Earth Wednesday - NASA
New asteroid the size of 27 pandas could hit the Earth in 2046 - ESA, NASA
Asteroid the size of 69 American alligators to pass Earth Tuesday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 23 borzoi dogs to pass Earth Saturday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 22 tuna fish to fly closer to Earth than the Moon - NASA
Asteroid the size of 33 armadillos to pass Earth Sunday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 18 platypus to fly closer to Earth than Moon - NASA
Asteroid the size of 787 matzahs set to pass over Earth on Passover - NASA
Meteorites as heavy as squirrels hit Maine - NASA
Asteroid the size of 48 eggplants to pass Earth Tuesday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 6 Darth Vaders to pass Earth on Star Wars Day - NASA
Meteor the size of pork roll sandwich crashes through New Jersey home
Asteroid the size of 18 walruses to pass Earth on Sunday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 20 bald eagles to pass close to Earth Monday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 28 sheep to ram past the Earth - NASA
Titanic asteroid the size of 84 orcas to pass Earth on Monday - NASA
Colossal asteroid the size of 99 narwhals to pass Earth Thursday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 15 alpacas to fly past Earth on Monday - NASA
Asteroid twice the size of the Titanic to pass Earth Saturday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 3,500 Big Mac hamburgers to pass Earth - NASA
Asteroid the size of 100 hot dogs to pass Earth on Monday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 35 chickens to pass Earth on Saturday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 45 aardvarks to fly past Earth Wednesday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 100 Barbie dolls to pass Earth on Thursday - NASA
AI spots huge asteroid the size of 182 beavers that humans missed
Asteroid the size of 81 bulldogs to pass Earth on Wednesday - NASA
Giant asteroid the size of 1,000 capybaras to pass Earth Tuesday - NASA
Asteroid the size of two ducks impacts above Germany
Asteroid the size of 64 Canada geese to pass Earth Tuesday - NASA
Asteroid the size of eight Taylor Swifts to pass Earth Tuesday - NASA
Satellite the size of 6 tigers to crash into Earth's atmosphere Wednesday - ESA
Asteroid the size of 6 peacocks to fly close to Earth on Thursday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 543 McDonald's French fries to pass Earth Friday - NASA
Asteroid the size of 89 wolverines to pass Earth on Monday, March 25 - NASA
